Abuse in Dating Relationships
What
You Should Know:
LAWC's definition of abuse in relationships: the intentional and systematic
use of tactics to establish and maintain power and control over the
thoughts, beliefs, and conduct of a woman.
Abuse
in permanent relationships often starts in dating years. It can lead
to serious injury, suicide and murder and is always emotionally destructive
to both men and women.
Physical
abuse and threats of violence are crimes. It is against the law to
assault your girlfriend or partner, just as it is a crime to assault
a stranger. Abusers can be jailed or fined if convicted. Police are
required to lay charges when there is probable cause to believe an
assault has occurred.
All
forms of abuse are expressions of power. They are meant to control
the woman both immediately and in the future through the use of fear
and intimidation. Society tolerates woman abuse through its acceptance
of sexism in relationships. Men are permitted and encouraged to use
force as a way to solving problems. Women are encouraged to take responsibility
for the emotional needs of men and to assume blame when relationships
break down.
Early
Warning Signs of An Abuser
Are you going out with someone who:
- is
jealous and possessive toward you, won't let you have friends,
checks up on you, won't accept breaking up
- tries
to control you by being very bossy,
giving orders, making all the decisions, doesn't take your opinion
seriously
- is
scary, you worry about how he will react to things you say or
do, threatens you, uses or owns weapons
- is
violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, brags
about mistreating others
- pressures
you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex, thinks women or
girls are sex objects, attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you
by saying "if you really loved me you would...;" "no
one will love you like I do," gets too serious about the
relationship too fast
- abuses
drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them
- blames
you when mistreating you, says you provoked him, pressing his
buttons, made him do it, lead him on
- has
a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for
all the problems, "girls just don't understand me;"
- believes
that men should be in control and powerful and that women should
be passive and submissive
- your
family and friends have warned you about the person or told you
they were worried for your safety
If
You Are Abused...
You
are not alone and you are not to blame. You cannot control his violence,
but there are ways you can make yourself safer:
- You
can call the police if you have been assaulted.
- Tell
someone. Talk to a doctor or counsellor after each violent/abusive
incident and have them keep a record for future evidence.
- Write
down the details for yourself as soon as possible after the assault.
Use the list of resources in this brochure. Keep it in a safe,
handy place where your partner won't find it.
- Develop
a safety plan. Know all exits in your house you could use in an
emergency. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep spare house and car
keys handy. Know where you can stay in an emergency.
- Call
a shelter for abused women. Shelters can provide a safe place
to stay in a crisis as well as information and counselling 24
hours a day, seven days a week in person or by phone.
- Consider
leaving the relationship as soon as possible.
- Recognize
that no one has the right to control you and that it is everyone's
human right to live without fear.
If
You are Abusive...
You
are not alone. Many men have a problem with violence learned from
childhood or supported by society. You can learn less dangerous and
damaging ways to feel that you are in control. Here are some things
you should consider:
- You
need to take responsibility for your own behaviour. Your girlfriend
or partner does not make you hurt her.
- Your
behaviour may destroy your relationship or seriously injure someone
you care about.
- Blaming
your violence on drugs, alcohol or sickness and apologizing after
the violence will not solve your problem.
- Physical
violence and threats of violence are crimes. You face fines or
imprisonment, if convicted.
- Denying
your abuse and resisting intervention will prevent you from getting
help. Police and other professionals intervene to keep everyone
safe. You can begin to change the way you act with the support
of resources listed in this pamphlet.
Why
Do Men Abuse Women?
Because
they:
- may
have learned this behaviour in their family of origin (many abusers
have witnessed their father abusing their mother)
- try
to maintain a macho image reinforced by society and the media
- believe
it is an appropriate male expression of power and control
- want
their partner to remain dependent on them
- know
there are few, if any, consequences for violent acts
Why
do Women Stay In Abusive Dating Relationships?
Because
they:
- want
their relationships to work and hope their boyfriends will change
- fear
their boyfriend will hurt them or seek revenge if they leave
- feel
guilt and shame
- see
no alternative
- are
not aware that help is available
- believe
their boyfriend needs them
- do
not have social or personal supports
- believe
a boyfriend who is occasionally violent is better than no boyfriend
at all
- believe
the violence and abuse is normal
- think
that the violence will go away after they get married
How
Can Students Help When Abuse Has Happened?
Do:
- believe
your friend
- listen
calmly and take the concern seriously
- reassure
your friend that nobody deserves to be abused
- support
your friend in looking at the risks of more abuse
- create
an atmosphere of safety and trust
- suggest
talking to a trusted adult such as a teacher, guidance counsellor
or school psychologist, or call one of the agencies listed on
this pamphlet
- consult
with local agencies listed on the back of this pamphlet
- call
the 24-hour Abused Women's Helpline
