Leaving An Abusive
Relationship
Caring for You and Your Children
Leaving an abusive relationship is a positive choice for you and
your children. The process however, can still be difficult. It
can also be difficult to make the transition alone. It is helpful
to have the support of people who are experienced with helping
women in abusive relationships. Your personal safety and your
legal rights become more difficult to ensure when an abusive partner
is involved.
Violence against women agencies, shelters, 24 hour Abused Women's
Helpline, Police, or Police Family Consultants can help to meet
the needs of you and your children. (Community
Resources)
Separation - How Will It Feel?
Separation is not easy. It may take some time to work through
the steps and become re-established.
It is common to identify yourself with your relationship. Your
role as a wife/partner and/or mother may be the way you see yourself.
When you leave the relationship you may experience a real sense
of loss of your identity. The process of moving from your role
of wife/partner to a single person is painful and not always as
fast as you might want it to be.
The transition involves getting to know yourself in a new way.
Now you can become your own person. Being on your own is a wonderful
feeling as well as a scary one. It may be the first time you have
had the freedom to experience this responsibility. It sometimes
takes many trials to discover who you are and what you want in
life. This is normal. It is OK to learn from your mistakes and
learn from what you do well. You will probably feel all your emotions
more strongly than ever. You may feel betrayal, grief, anger,
joy and freedom, weakness and strength, often at the same time.
You may feel that you are going crazy because of all the emotions
you have, which are sometimes overwhelming, contradictory, and
unexpected. You are not crazy. Remember that your emotions are
just a part of you, a changing part. This is a normal process.
It is helpful to let yourself feel your emotions fully and not
judge yourself for having them. You will pass through each one
in time.
Grief
Grief is a large part of the process of letting go of a relationship.
When you feel grief, feel free to let yourself cry. It may feel
like you will never stop. Remember, you are facing a death - the
death of your relationship and you will stop crying when the mourning
is over. You may not understand why you are sad, especially if
you were badly abused. There were probably some good things that
you will miss. This is the reality. Remember - you did
have to pay a price for the good things - a very high price.
Euphoria
You may experience a great euphoria when you leave the relationship.
This may last for weeks or months. This is usually felt if you
have made a clear decision. This euphoria can help give you energy
to get yourself on your feet again. Don't be surprised, if a month
or a year later, you feel grief or anger or depression. This is
normal and part of the process of change or separation. You will
have to work through the grief stages at some time. The timing
may vary with each individual and the process is usually finished
after you have let yourself feel fully at each stage.
Anger
You may feel more anger after separation than you have ever felt
before. You may suddenly experience all the anger that was stockpiled
and denied during your relationship, along with the built-up frustration
of not getting your needs met, and the powerlessness of the position
you were in. It is safe to feel angry now. Try to accept that
your anger is normal. Anger can give you power and motivation.
Use it to your advantage. The goal of letting yourself feel anger
is to express it constructively so that you become free of it.
Do not turn it on those around you and don't use it for revenge.
Acting in revenge may destroy your self-respect in the
long run; although it is okay to fantasize about
it.
Grieving Symptoms
While you are going through the separation, it is normal for you
to experience both physical and emotional stress reactions. Physical
symptoms you may experience include: sleep disturbances; diarrhea
or constipation; nausea; changes in heart rate; menstrual changes;
weight gain or loss.
Psychological symptoms may include: sadness, hopelessness or
feelings of futility; edginess and being easily irritated; crying
often; poor concentration; great difficulty making decisions;
and, poor memory. Good physical exercise (i.e. walking, jogging,
cycling, etc.) can help you cope.
Feelings of Failure
You may feel that admitting "failure" in your relationship
means you are inadequate. This is not true. You have made a lot
of sacrifices in your relationship. It was not your efforts that
failed, but rather the lack of effort made by the abuser to stop
abusing. Relationships take two people working together to make
it a success. Also, remember that your decision to leave was a
painful and difficult one. Recognize your success in making that
decision. Give yourself credit!
Anxiety & Loss of Control
You are probably accustomed to judging your safety by predicting
your partner's mood and picking up the signals from him/her, so
you could anticipate and react. When you leave, the absence of
your partner may feel frightening. You may feel you have lost
control. Your feelings of safety are gone when you lose those
signals.
The feelings of loss of control are normal in transition. You
are moving the centre of control from your partner to yourself.
It can be as frightening as it is freeing and it just takes time.
Disorientation
Because your perspective on your relationship has changed, you
may see your past, yourself, and your partner differently. This
can make you feel disoriented and you may doubt your memories
and the decisions you have made. You may selectively remember
only the good or only the bad times. This is normal. Your situation
has changed and you now have additional information so your view
of the past will change too.
Loneliness
Your friends may change over time, as well as your interests and
concerns. Friends may feel threatened by your new position. They
may take sides with your partner. It may hurt you a great deal
if your former in-laws reject you. Family blood is often thicker
than you want to believe. It may take you a while to trust, or
to have energy for anyone else. This is normal and self-protective.
You may want to isolate yourself, but friendships are very important.
Friends are especially important at this time, especially those
who don't judge us. You don't have to wait for an invitation.
Reach out, even though it may seem less painful to isolate yourself,
in the long run it is not.
Temptation to Reconcile
Many women who leave go back a number of times before leaving
permanently. What some call the "honeymoon" period,
is in actuality a tactic of manipulation used by the abuser to
continue to maintain power and control. When you have been away
for a while and your partner is pleading with you to return, promising
you that he/she has changed and will not hurt you again, the temptation
to reconcile may seem overwhelming.
You have heard promises before. If you think your relationship
is worth saving, take the time that is necessary to be sure there
is now a strong foundation of mutual respect for you to build
your lives on. Generally, as time passes, indicators of whether
or not your partner is following through on his/her promise to
change may become clear.
New Relationships
New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationship.
It takes hard work, a great deal of commitment, and communication
to be in a relationship. Be sure you feel strong enough to live
independently before you make the choice of living inter-dependently
again.
It is important to remember that life is up and down. You will
have good days, when you are feeling strong and capable, and bad
days, when you are feeling depressed and vulnerable. Know that
feeling bad will not last forever and there are things you can
do to help yourself through the down times.
Many women find that the first anniversary of their
leaving is particularly painful. It may be important for you to
be aware of that and plan for it. You may arrange to spend that
time with close friends. You may also wish to get in touch with
the staff of the shelter in your community to get reinforcement
and support
WAYS YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF
- Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself
for having them. You will pass through each one.
- Take time out for you. Do what feels nurturing for yourself,
i.e. take a hot bath, go for a walk, curl up in bed and read
a book. You have a right to pamper yourself.
- Eat small, nutritious meals regularly, rest when you can,
even if you cannot sleep, and exercise to release tension. Treat
yourself to a massage.
- To regain a feeling of control in your new environment: develop
a daily routine; set and accomplish small goals each day; control
where you go and who you are with so that you are safe.
- Find out about and use community resources for support: support
groups; single parent support services; free community counselling
services; recreation centres; educational resources. If you
don't know what these services are, ask the staff at the shelter
(642-3000) or call Information London (432-2211).
- Holidays and special occasions such as anniversaries can
be especially hard times. It is important to establish new customs
for yourself and your children. You can spend these times with
close friends who are experiencing the same feelings and difficulties.
Do something different. For example, organize a pot luck with
friends or neighbours, spend the holiday out of town or volunteer
to help those less fortunate.
When You Need More Help
When you leave an abusive relationship, it is normal to feel any
or all of the emotions outlined in this brochure and it is normal
to feel that your life is in a state of upheaval. However, it
would be wise to seek more help for yourself if you feel any of
the following: suicidal; depressed to the point of not looking
after yourself or your children; euphoria to the point of threatening
your own safety by drinking too much; spending excessive amounts
of money or being promiscuous; rage that expresses itself by hurting
people or destroying property.
A counsellor can help you work through the emotions that are
overwhelming you. The following people and agencies can help:
Your children's behaviour may be different than usual. Remember
that their lives have changed too. It is normal for them to be
afraid, upset or angry. Even if they become extra quiet or try
to please you all the time, they still need that little bit of
extra attention and explanation about what is going on. It is
especially important for children to know that the abuse was not
their fault.
There is a Group Treatment Program for Children Who Witness Woman
Abuse that you can access through the Children's Aid Society (CAS)
of London & Middlesex (455-9000) for ages 4 - 16 years of
age. Even if your kids seem to be coping well, this counselling
for your child(ren) is well worth accepting as children often
bury the emotions that they don't know how to deal with. These
emotions can resurface in later years and cause all kinds of problems.
Helping Your Kids
- Assure them that you love them. Give them lots of hugs and
cuddles. It is important for them to have physical contact,
and in hugging them you will also be receiving hugs.
- It is important for them to trust you. Tell them as much
as you can without name-calling. It is better that they know
and that they feel a part of the decisions being made, than
if you say nothing or lie.
- Listen to their feelings and let them know it is okay to
have them. They may be angry with you for taking them away from
their friends, their home or their father/step-parent. If they
tell you this, it means that they feel safe enough with you
to share their feelings. If you show them that you understand
their feelings and share some of theirs, you will help them.
- They may have confused feelings about you and their father/step-parent.
You can let them know that they can still love their father/step-parent
and he/she is still their father/step-parent, even if you decide
not to live with him/her again. They do not have to choose one
parent.
- They may test you by misbehaving. Do not be afraid to set
limits on their behaviour in a firm, loving manner. They may
be more insecure and confused, and test for your control even
more than usual. They need to know that you are there to take
care of them.
- Tell them clearly what they can and cannot do.
- If they misbehave, make the discipline fit the behaviour and
be prepared to
carry it out as soon as possible.
- DO NOT HIT YOUR CHILDREN! They have come from an abusive
situation and they need to feel safe. Children who grow up with
abuse often become abusive adults.
- Children need to feel loved, accepted and safe in their family.
Living in a home where there is no abuse is better for them
than living in a home where they never know when the abuse will
erupt.
- It is important that you take a little time every day to
have fun with your children. You can learn new, inexpensive
ways to have fun with them. For example, going to parks, to
a library, museum or just going for walks. You don't have to
have money to spend time with your children.
- You have needs too. You need your friends, you need time alone.
If your children try to make you stay in, tell them your needs
and that you are sorry if it makes them angry or sad. Go ahead
with your plans. If you are giving them quality time, you do
not need to feel guilty about taking time for you.
- Accept that you are not perfect. Don't feel guilty about
it. Keep doing your best and be open to changing what doesn't
work and learning new ways.
- Remember your children need to depend on you. Don't depend
on them to act as your best friend or partner.
- Encourage them to have friends in the community as soon as
you settle. Friendships can help them regain security.
- If you feel that you need help dealing with your children,
explore parenting and children's support services in your community.
- Merrymount Children's Services - 434-6848
- Childreach (Parent/Child Resource Centre) - 434-3644
- MAPP (Mutual Aid Program for Parents & Your Children)
- 455-9000 ext. 396
- Kids Helpline - 1-800-668-6868. Post on fridge, kids
can call it themselves, sometimes they don't want to burden
mom because she is dealing with so much already.
- Youth Line - 660-4357.
- Group Treatment Program for Children Who Witness Woman
Abuse - 455-9000 ext. 316
You have made positive choices for yourself and your children.
Remember to credit yourself for your courage and strength!
BC Council for Families
Adapted from a brochure by Laura Hotson titled
"Transition: Leaving An Abusive Relationship"
Further adapted by the London Abused Women's
Centre
2002
Community Resources
- London Abused Women's Centre provides short-term individual
counselling and advocacy for women subjected to abuse in their
intimate relationships. Your advocate/counsellor can provide
you with support and a safety plan whether or not you decide
to leave. (519) 432-2204.
- 24-hour Abused Women's Helpline counsellors are there
to listen, offer support and information, as well as prepare
a safety plan with you. (519) 642-3000 /
1-800-265-1576.
- Women's Community House is a shelter and safe place
for women and their children. (519) 642-3000 / 800-265-1576.
- Zhaawanong is a shelter and safe place for women and
their children. (519) 432-2270.
- Police are required to charge your abusive partner
if you make a complaint.
- Police Family Consultants provide sufficient counselling
to begin the crisis?resolution process, and then make arrangements
for ongoing support from community agencies, extended family,
and other resources as appropriate. The Consultants provide
officers with feedback and interventions. The process of building
support, or further counselling for the family usually continues
during office hours the following day, with team members following
up with agencies, clients and officers.
- Victim/Witness Assistance Programme (VWAP) provides
emotional support and information about the criminal justice
process and your role as a victim. VWAP can provide information
about the status of the criminal case, arrange for you to meet
with a Crown Attorney before you testify, and when possible,
accompany you to trial.
It's okay to look for and accept all the help
you can find.
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